Narcissism, Fools & Stoicism: 2008 BLOG.

It has been said that our modern society is much more complex than, let say, one hundred years ago. I recall as a young lad of five years of age, laying in my small cot in my grandparent’s bedroom, and waking to the sound of horse’s hooves against the paved road outside the house. This was the local milkman delivering the morning’s milk to the homes in our small suburb of Surrey Hills.

The clanging crystal as he placed the bottles in the various boxes, the sound of hooves’ against the road and the voice in the dark whispering in a loud cadence:

“Common boy, we’re almost done… just a few more houses and it’s back home.”

Perhaps revealing too much, this was a touch more than forty five years ago. The one aspect of my memory of that time was the quietness; there were no freeways and there was only the occasional sound of the ‘red rattlers’, the passenger trains’ travelling to the city. Forty five years later, the noise pollution is relentlessly constant, the sound of rumbling traffic along the roads and freeways; planes, police helicopters and passenger jets flying overhead has become the norm in our day to day lives, and we put up with it, we’ve seemingly ‘adapted’.

This may be a sentimental illusion, a fantasy of the aged, but there appears to be more chaos and people around than ever before.

One’s line of work, of course, has much to do with the amount of contact you have with people. As a high school teacher, for example, my contact with people is part of the profession, dealing with young adults in the hundreds on a daily bases is part of the job. Interaction with fellow staff members also constitutes a large part of the day and learning to ‘get along’ is a necessary ingredient in order for production and harmony to sustain at an acceptable level for all concerned.

Dealings with people covers all aspects of life from the grocery clerk to the bank teller, the electrician to the landlord to the mother-in-law and particularly one’s spouse. We are required to all get along and we have set up tacit rules in society to ensure we can live together in relative harmony. However, when one meets someone who does not follow these tacit rules or seems to simply not care, thinking only of themselves, how do we respond?

I remember a particular person who could not and would not ever listen but would only contribute to a group conversation about himself. One afternoon after the students had all left the school and hopefully gone home, a few of us remained and began talking about the day. If you are not a teacher, this habit of talking about our day to our fellow teachers is part of our tacit job description, however, no Graduate Diploma of Education or an MA in Education can or will teach you this aspect – it is a necessary part of the job and has been for many, many years.

We began talking about a student with troubles at home and at school – we were all concerned.

Out of the blue, he walked into the room, hearing the subject of conversation and began telling us how to deal with this poor young lady. (Later I discovered he did not teach her). Seamlessly, he turned the topic of conversation towards his personal life, why he thought buying a mammoth four-wheel drive was justified and how stressed he had become about his next holiday in Greece. As professionals, we listened and nodded our heads, smiled and tried to look concerned about the petrol guzzling tank he was about to purchase. He whisked out of the room happy, it seemed, because all our attention had been on him and his life.

This behaviour leaked into his teaching, but somehow, some students went with his flow and managed to achieve the outcomes intended.

I guess it all came to a climax one day when, as his boss, I intervened on his Home Group to sort out a Year 7 cat fight. (Year 7 girls can be a handful)

Once he caught wind of this, he yelled and screamed at one of the SSO staff (Teachers Aids) while I had been in the room and stormed off, slamming the door to the teachers lounge. (In front of two Year 12 students).

Rather than talking with me about the problem with the children, he took my intervention as a personal attack on his “turf” or “self” and decided I was incompetent.

How do you deal with a person of such narcissist tendencies?

Well it only got worse as he attempted to turn the staff against me and visit the managers, telling little tales of my so-called failures. What he did not know was that the bosses were and are aware of this individual and did not believe a word he uttered, particularly about me.

Although stressed about this person, my main concern has always been the children.

It is hard enough working with under-privileged kids and lost souls, but to also deal with a self-absorbed fellow worker who, in fact, is trying to destroy you, only adds to the stress.

My response:

It was the Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius, probably the most famous of Stoic philosophers, who wrote the following practical advice:

"Begin each day by saying to yourself, "Today I shall meet people who are interfering, ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, and selfish." They are made this way because of their ignorance of what is good and evil...but I, who have seen the nature of good and beauty, and of evil and its ugliness, know that the inner nature of the man who does evil is the same as mine, therefore I can't be harmed by any of these men, for no one can impose on me what is degrading."

In other terms, expect the worst in people, and you'll never be disappointed, and their actions will not affect you, because their nature is the same as your own.

Enough said.